I do not get lots of them — which I like to make use of as an excuse — however I suck at taking compliments. Particularly in particular person. Which is odd, as a result of not solely will we crave praise and recognition, none of us get sufficient of it. So I shortly shift the dialog.
As a result of compliments make me uncomfortable.
Seems I am not alone. Analysis performed by Christopher Littlefield on praise and recognition reveals that whereas 88 p.c of respondents affiliate feeling valued with recognition, practically 70 p.c additionally “affiliate embarrassment or discomfort with the method of being acknowledged.”
So yeah: We like reward… however we additionally kinda do not.
That is very true when you’re like me and your shallowness is not significantly sturdy. (Hello, imposter syndrome!) A 2010 examine printed in Journal of Experimental Social Psychology reveals that individuals with low shallowness struggle to accept compliments because they doubt their sincerity: Not solely do they really feel embarrassed, they assume they’re one way or the other being patronized. (It is laborious to really feel reward is honest while you your self do not consider the stuff you do are praiseworthy.)
After which there’s this: A 2015 examine printed in Persona and Particular person Variations discovered that some individuals shrug off compliments because they hope to avoid having the bar set higher in the future; consider it as the “If I did properly this time, you may count on me to carry out on the similar degree subsequent time” syndrome. (That one would not apply to me. I’ve greater requirements for myself than anybody units for me, which sadly nonetheless causes me to battle to take compliments: You may assume I did one thing properly, however I all the time assume I ought to have achieved higher.)
All of which ends up in me being the king of the — typically unstated however all the time thought — “Thanks, however…” response.
“Thanks, nevertheless it took me longer than it ought to have.” “Thanks, however there are some things I want I had achieved in a different way.” “Thanks, however I bought fortunate.”
“Thanks, however…” lets me deflect. And really feel much less embarrassed. And really feel much less unworthy. Mainly, I am afraid to assume the reward is likely to be real. And honest.
And, laborious as it’s to consider, relevant to me.
Which is a sucky approach for me to behave, as a result of reward means as a lot to the giver because it ought to to the recipient.
At a elementary degree, reward is a present, and all of us prefer to really feel appreciated once we supply a present.
So while you fend off a praise, you additionally fend off the reward.
And wreck the chance for the opposite particular person to be ok with themselves.
Which is cause sufficient to start out saying, “I actually respect it. Thanks!”